Who knew choosing a new email address could change your life. I mean, seriously, I just wanted to get rid of the old “live” account and move to gmail.

It was New Year’s Day 2013 and I was doing the expected review of my life and the typical annual accounting of oneself that is done on the precipice of a new year. I had my journal, my new devotional book, Bible, ink pen and highlighter at the ready. I was taking stock of my time and talents like any good religious, Southern girl does at the New Year. I had made my list (of course) and the first thing I had to do was set-up a google account.  I had gotten a new Samsung phone, recommended by my husband Tri-guy (he is a triathlete and what I will call him here).  So, I had to set up a gmail account.

It being New Year’s Day and all, I decided to let this email account say more about me than just where to send me a message. I had read about other folks choosing a verse, word, thought, mantra, if you will, for themselves. Never done that before so, why not.. I took a few moments to think about what I would like most of all..I would like to be young and peaceful.

I had begun what I thought was a spiritual journey earlier in the fall.  I read my selected online devotion every morning. I was reading all the right books by all the right authors.  I was praying almost every morning going down my prayer list “religiously.” I was doing all the things I could think of to expand my faith and be peaceful. (how so very wrong this was I will get into later)

So I decided on girlofpeace.  It had just the right amount of bohemian cool with a touch of Southern whimsy.  And believe me, if I am anything, it is whimsical, right?  (Of course, there already was a girl of peace email address on google, so they added my birth year, 1965.  I know using the word “girl” with the “1965” is an oxymoron, but humor me…)

I sent my new name out to my contact list.  Updated all my online accounts. FB official, even twitter and instagram. My “name it and claim it” project was officially kicked-off. I mean posting it makes it so, right?

Wow, how could a girl have been so wrong…

Two and a half of the most challenging years of my life followed that cold, bright January morning.  Had I known what I know now, I might have left my email as “dividenddiva” and thrown the Samsung against the wall.  But, it got God’s attention.

“So, Girl of Peace, huh..really?  Seriously!  Ok, I have been waiting for you to get to this point for a long time.  I don’t think you really know what you are asking for, but here we go…”

Little did I know what God had planned to empty my cold, dead heart and fill it with peace… the only way to get me there was to put me in situations where I had no choice. It was either trust God’s promises or suffer more worry, fear, and death.  The anxiety was robbing me of my sleep, my joy, my family and my health.  Waves of tears, pain, fear, anger, insomnia, sickness, and doubt were washing over and over me.

But God met me at every single point, with love, grace, strength and wisdom that I never could claim as my own.  All I had to do was stop.  Be still. Turn to Him and recognize He is God.  Basically, take Him at His word. I know this sounds flippant and easy, but it is not. There is a lot to unpack in the “stopping and being still.”  Too much for this one post.

And as I go back over all “this,” it has led me to believe that it has to have been for more than just me.  This hard, long journey. The truths that jumped off the Bible pages, the chance encounters with others, the encouragement and words from friends unaware, the sleepless nights, the very early morning therapy sessions on the couch in prayer.

I feel like I have woken up from a hibernation of sorts.  Living life with a filter on.  And now that the filter is gone, I am seeing the world so very differently that I just cannot contain it any longer. I have to tell someone what has happened or my heart will explode.

And I hope my journey of sorts will be able to help someone. Not with a quick Bible verse or a flowery quote for a pinterest board or bathroom mirror.  But with truth, naked and honest as it can be.  My truth, of how a self-proclaimed legalistic, control freak finally let go and was set free…

At least that’s my hope and prayer for now; for here.